Writing

Below are links various to various writing samples.

These samples can be emailed to you or sent via U.S. Mail if you choose. Any sample or script that is mailed to you is in the exact industry format. None of these samples are to be reprinted or performed without the express written consent of Al Quagliata.

Magazine Humor Piece One        Al Quagliata’s Humor Blog, www.geomop.com

Magazine Humor Piece Two        Sketch Comedy Sample One        Sketch Comedy Sample Two

Screenwriting Sample One (Comedy)        Screenwriting Sample Two (Drama)

The Jazz Guitar Corner (Music)        The Ernie Kovacs Blog (Fanzine)

Cream Cheese – On – The – Hudson

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DESCRIPTION:

Al wrote this humor piece for "Cortlandt Magazine", a popular local publication in the Northern Westchester County New York area.

The Town of Cortlandt has so many Lovely Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishments, with coffee flavors like "Sumatra Blend," "Secaucus Blend," "Maui – Light – Macadamia Vanilla – Raspberry Blend," and brand names such as "Mountain High," "Bali Low," "East of West Vermont," "Mr. Green Beans" and "Kansas Prairie Fresh Roast."

Of course the Cortlandtite cannot live by coffee alone and must have his ⁄ her bagel. And what a selection of bagels! "Plain," "Wheat," "Sesame," "Garlic," "Salt," "Cinnamon Raisin," "Egg," "Sun Dried Tomato," "Rain Wet Arugula" and that old stand-by "Just Like Uncle Sidney Used To Make," which has vague hints of thyme with a kind of camphor aroma.

I love all of these Lovely Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishments dearly. Which brings me to the story of my Uncle John, who was visiting from Arizona where he spends his days eating grapefruits from his own tree and slumming with Wyatt Earp.

Uncle John loves nothing. I figured some good coffee would cheer him up so we got into my car and off we went.

We entered the Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishment, a dark brown wood paneled room with reading material strewn about on the quaint chess tables. Uncle John, a retired cop, looked about warily as if he were at a drug bust in a Bronx Warehouse.

"Is this Howard Johnson’s?," he asked suspiciously.

"No, its a Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishment.," I responded.

"Ahhhhh... is this Jerry Vale?," he mumbled. The jazz music playing over the strategically placed speakers seemed to calm him a bit.

"No," said I. "It sounds like Thelonious Monk."

"It is Thelonious Monk. He’s some sort of a piano player or something.", said the teenager working behind the counter.

"He certainly was." I responded. Statements like this always floor me. A lifetime of listening to Brittany Spears and two weeks of working in a coffee shop and the teenager was a jazz expert.

"I’d like an El Grande size ’Western Allegheny French Roast’ and a ’Toasted Mozzarella and Gefilte Bagel with Aged Pine Nuts.’", I ordered, "How about you Uncle John?"

"Huh?" he asked.

"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?" I asked a little louder. He’s a bit hard of hearing. Actually, he couldn’t hear an earthquake if he was lying down on the fault line.

"Oh. Gimme a regular coffee and a plain toasted bagel with some butter," Uncle John answered.

A deadly silence enveloped the Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel establishment and all horrified eyes turned to Uncle John as if he had said "E.F. Hutton." No one EVER just orders a plain toasted bagel with butter and a regular coffee in a Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel establishment. Its gauche, common, pedestrian and provincial. Uncle John had done the unfathomable.

"And, I don’t care for this music.," Uncle John said gruffly.

"I can put on some Dorothy Parker if you like." the teenager said, swallowing the words, still horrified beyond recall.

Even in my mortified, humiliated state I had enough musical integrity to correct the teenager. "That’s Charlie Parker.," I admonished.

"Whatever.," said the teenager, walking away disgustedly to get our order.

All the Cortlandtites slowly regained their composure and went back to the activities that Cortlandtites in Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishments engage in, such as screaming at children to sit down, playing Chess and discussing socially relevant topics such as whether or not Stalin wore a rug. But we were both ostracized from the fun, lepers on the face of Cortlandt Coffee Society as a result of Uncle John’s faux pas. Fairly soon, about an hour and a half later, the teenager returned with our order.

"One El Grande size ’Eastern Allegheny French Roast’ and a ’Toasted Mozzarella and Gefilte Bagel with Aged Pine Nuts.,’" said the teenager morosely, and then pausing to create some Vincent Price – like melodrama added, "AND… a regular coffee and plain toasted bagel with some butter." At least the teenager had gotten Uncle John’s order right. I had ordered the "Western Allegheny French Roast," not the "Eastern Allegheny French Roast."

"That’ll be $14.95.," the teenager emphatically stated.

"$14.95!," Uncle John shouted. He can’t hear anything well except for cashiers saying prices. He continued.

"What the…! You can get a cup of coffee and a bagel in the Howard Johnson’s on Fordham Road in the Bronx for 45 cents!" Leave it to Uncle John to mention a restaurant that hasn’t existed since the Paleozoic era. But he was on a roll. I couldn’t stop him. And its so dark in this place I can’t see anything! And I still don’t like the music!"

"I can put on some Miles Standish if you’d like.," replied the teenager.

"That’s Miles Davis.," I corrected.

"And why the heck is everyone playing checkers!?," Uncle John shouted to all the Cortlandtites in the place.

"You’re disturbing our socially relevant conversation about Stalin’s Toupee!," an upset Cortlandtite yelled.

"And ruining our Chess game!" another two Cortlandtites chimed in.

"And infringing on the bonding I do with my children by screaming at them to sit down in Lovely Cortlandt Coffee ⁄ Bagel Establishments!," still a third added.

"You go Dad!!," shouted the children in unison.

"Pay your bill and get out!," screamed the teenager.

I paid the bill and we left.

We drove back to my apartment and started in on our order. Finally, Uncle John spoke. "Almost as good as Howard Johnson’s. The coffee’s a little cold though.," he said.

Some folks just never appreciate anything.

Reprinted from the February 2002 edition of Cortlandt Magazine
Absolutely no reprinting or use without the author's consent.

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"What’s That Show?"

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DESCRIPTION:

Al wrote and has used this sketch in many of the various sketch and improv shows he’s been involved with. It is an exaggeration of actual conversations about television he has heard his relatives have. Al also played the role of "Uncle Joe."

UNCLE TONY, AUNT MARIA, UNCLE JOE, AND AUNT ROSE are all
sitting in the living room staring intently at the television.
They are all old.

UNCLE TONY
I hate this show. Its stupid.
All they ever do is have sex.
And drink coffee.

AUNT MARIA
Its tea, Tony, not coffee.
Forty years we’ve been married and
you’re still confusing tea With coffee.

UNCLE TONY
Leave me alone, Maria.
You like this show, Joe?

UNCLE JOE
It stinks. They all have hair down
to the ass. Why the hell can’t they
write a show with people like Eisenhower
or DiMaggio? Now there were Some real men.
Pass me the popcorn, Rose.

AUNT ROSE
What the hell am I, your personal slave?
Get the Goddamn popcorn yourself.

UNCLE JOE gives AUNT ROSE a look of disdain, grunts,
and then gets the popcorn himself.

UNCLE TONY
Hey, Joe, remember the show with that guy?

UNCLE JOE
(pauses momentarily)
Oh, yeah. They were out west or something
and they had that woman on there who ran
the local Saloon.

AUNT ROSE
Will you please, Joe! You don’t know
what the hell you’re talking about!

UNCLE JOE
Leave me alone, Rose, for Crissakes!
(he turns to Tony)
I think that show had Michael Landon in it.

UNCLE TONY
Yeah, I think you’re right. He was on there
and then when it went off the air he was on
that there "Little House in the Big City."
Then he dropped dead of a heart attack.

AUNT MARIA
It was cancer, Tony.

AUNT ROSE
I heard it was an ulcer.

UNCLE JOE
Who the hell dies of an ulcer, Rose?

AUNT ROSE
If you shout in my ear one more time,
I’ll divorce you.

UNCLE JOE
Good. If I remember correctly, there was
a talking pig on that program.

UNCLE TONY
I think you’re right. What’s that show?!

AUNT MARIA calls attention to the television.

AUNT MARIA
They’re still with the coffee on this damn show.
Always with the coffee and the talking.
I’d give my right arm to see a woman
like Donna Reed get a series again.

AUNT ROSE
With some nice canned laughter.
I always found That soothing.
These studio audiences today whoop and
holler at the slightest thing. Its so annoying.

UNCLE JOE
The proper terminology is "laugh track."

AUNT ROSE
Leave me alone.

UNCLE TONY
The guy had a big hat. And the show took
place out west, but I think some of
the scenes were on a deserted island.

AUNT MARIA
I remember that. And there was that
girl on there who in real life ended up in jail
for holding up a liquor store.

AUNT ROSE
Oh, yeah, right. Her brother was played by the
little black kid who was on that other show with
Desi Arnaz where he was always saying
"The plane, boss, the plane!"

UNCLE JOE
That was Tito Puente, Rose. Not Desi Arnaz.
Desi Arnaz was on the show with the talking horse.

AUNT MARIA
You’re both wrong. It was Xavier Cougat.

UNCLE TONY
That’s it! The show I’m thinking of had
Xavier Cougat, Michael Landon, the little black kid,
the girl who held up the liquor store, and
the guy who used to do the Alpo commercials. They all
ran a chinchilla ranch together. What’s
that show?

UNCLE TONY, AUNT MARIA, UNCLE JOE and AUNT ROSE
all pause And think for about five seconds.
They then all shout out the answer in unison.

EVERYONE
"Peyton Place!"

***END***

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"I’m A Loser"

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DESCRIPTION:

This sketch was written specifically for the "One Minute Play Contest," which used to be held in NYC during the mid 1990’s. Plays of 60 seconds in length would compete against each other in heats. Due to the length restriction, almost every play was a comedy. Al Quagliata wrote this tribute to has-beens and also played the role of "John," a former cast member of "Beatlemania." The play won its heat against TEN other short plays.

The guy who played JOHN LENNON in "Beatlemania 1978" is working behind
the counter at a Burger King. The guy who played GEORGE HARRISON in
"Beatlemania 1980" is the first person on line. In back of him is an
ELVIS impersonator who is extremely impatient.

JOHN
Welcome to "Burger King, Astoria."
How can I help you, mate?

GEORGE
I’ll have a whopper and large fries.
You seem very familiar.

JOHN
So do you, son. Andy Weinberg, assistant
manager at your service.

JOHN extends his hand.

GEORGE
(shakes John’s hand)
The name’s Phil DeNardo… Andy Weinberg…
(lightbulb goes off in his head)
You were John Lennon in "Beatlemania 1978!"
I was George Harrison in "Beatlemania 1980!"

JOHN
That’s right! What are you up to
these days, son?

GEORGE
I work for the Transit Authority.

JOHN
Can’t shake the accent or the costume, then?

GEORGE
No. I’m still in therapy.

JOHN
Me too.

ELVIS
(annoyed)
Can the "King" get some service please?
I want a Whopper with peanut butter.

GEORGE
Who’s he?

JOHN
(staring Elvis down)
He’s Mel DuBrock, a bloody Elvis
impersonator from Flushing.

ELVIS
The service here stinks! The "King"
wants to speak to the manager!

JOHN
Hold your bloody horses, "Elvis," I’ll call him.
(picks up microphone)
Brian Epstein, please come up front.

GEORGE
IS IT REALLY…?

JOHN
No, just the guy from the movie.
Here’s your food.

JOHN throws GEORGE a bag.

GEORGE
Thanks. Which Ringo is that working
the fry machine?

JOHN
The real one.

GEORGE
See you later, then.

GEORGE leaves.

ELVIS
Can I have an application?

ELVIS leaves.

***END***

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"Option Fest"

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DESCRIPTION:

This is a scene from Al’s screenplay "Option Fest." In this scene, two young, aspiring actors, John Fowkes and Richard Barnes, go on an audition for an antacid commercial.

INT. THE AUDITION ROOM – – CONTINUOUS

The audition room is stark and empty, except for two chairs
and a small table with a box of antacid on it. There is
also a video camera facing the two chairs. A casting director,
BELINDA THOMAS goes and stands behind the video camera.

BELINDA THOMAS
My name is Belinda Thomas and I’m from
Joybar Casting. Do you two have headshots?

Both JOHN and RICHARD hand BELINDA their headshots. BELINDA
looks at RICHARD’S shot quickly but pays rapt attention to
JOHN'S shot.

BELINDA THOMAS (CON’T)
(to John)
What nationality are you?

JOHN FOWKES
American.

BELINDA THOMAS
(looks at him annoyed)
I mean what is your family descent?

JOHN FOWKES
Irish.

BELINDA THOMAS
Funny. That's what I thought when I saw
you. But, in these shots you look Jewish.
Get new shots. These make you look like
a nebbish.

JOHN FOWKES
Gee, thanks. I just had them done.

BELINDA THOMAS
(not paying attention to him)
One of you pick up that package of antacid
that’s on the table and go stand on one of
those chairs. The other one, I want you to
go stand on the other chair.

RICHARD BARNES
(chuckling)
Good thing its not too high up. I get vertigo.

BELINDA looks at RICHARD as if he's an idiot.

RICHARD BARNES (CON’T)
Just kidding.

BELINDA THOMAS
Here’s the deal. This is a new antacid called
"Tri – Mestia." Its hook is that it doesn’t taste
chalky. You guys are supposed to be giant antacid
tablets, which is why I have you standing on the
chairs. The client needs to see how you look
standing very tall. You've just jumped into a
giant glass of water and are about to dissolve.
However, even though you are going to disintegrate
and disappear into someone’s intestines, you’re not sad.
And the reason you’re not sad is because you know
that you’re going to help cure indigestion without
tasting chalky. So, I need to see a full range of
emotion, from sadness at first to utter joy as you
swim around in the water.

JOHN FOWKES
I thought you said we weren’t sad?

BELINDA THOMAS
You’re not. Only in the beginning when you
realize you’re dissolving. But, when you realize
you're helping rid the world of acid, you get happy.

RICHARD BARNES
(very matter – of – factly)
How do we indicate the swimming?

BELINDA THOMAS
Just rotate around on the chairs. And ad – lib the
dialogue. Discuss the various things related to
indigestion and how you will attempt to cure it.
O.K. We have to hurry up. I’m starting the camera.
On the count of five slate your names and agencies
and go.

BELINDA starts the camera.

BELINDA THOMAS
Five, four, three, two, one...

BELINDA throws a signal to JOHN and RICHARD. They slate.

JOHN FOWKES
John Fowkes. Harrison Management.

RICHARD BARNES
Richard Barnes. Harrison Management.
And damn glad to be here.

BELINDA THOMAS
(her eye pasted to the viewfinder)
Without the side comments please. Go.

JOHN and RICHARD start rotating around on the chairs as if they're swimming.

BELINDA THOMAS
Say something please.

RICHARD BARNES
(to John)
I’m so happy to be fighting indigestion,
fellow "Tri – Mestia" tablet.

JOHN FOWKES
(with a high falsetto)
I too share your happiness in the fight
against sour stomach.

BELINDA THOMAS
Lose the falsetto. And show the sadness.

RICHARD BARNES
Would that be the sadness due to the fact
that we're rapidly dissolving?

BELINDA turns off the camera.

***END OF SAMPLE***

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"All Hail Mr. Kelley"

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DESCRIPTION:

This is a scene from short film script
by Al Quagliata and John Griffin, "All Hail Mr. Kelley."
Two guards are escorting a
very high profile criminial from his jail
cell to the courthouse where he is being tried for
murder. One of the guards idolizes the prisoner
and treats him with respect, the other guard has nothing
but disdain for him.

INT. JAIL CELL – – MORNING

The prisoner, JOHN KELLEY, is standing in the middle
of his cell tying a windsor knot in his tie. He is in
his early fifties with thinning blonde hair and an athletic
build. There is a PRISON GUARD standing next to him
holding a mirror for KELLEY to look in. Another PRISON GUARD
stands outside the cell holding his suit jacket.

JOHN KELLEY
(big grin, chipper)
I bet you guys think I'd try to hang
myself with this tie if you weren't here.
Well, you can forget it. Why should I do
that when I'm going to walk today?

GUARD #1
(sarcastic)
We'd all be a lot better off if you did hang
yourself with that tie.

JOHN KELLEY
(becoming menacing)
What did you say?

GUARD #1
Nothing.

GUARD #2
(with a side glance to Guard #1
as if to say "shut-up")
He didn’t say anything, Mr. Kelley.
He talks to himself a lot.

JOHN KELLEY
I’ll bet.
(to Guard #2)
Listen, Harry, when this is all over
and I'm back on top I’ll take good care of
you for all the nice things you've done for me.
(turning to Guard #1, menacingly)
And I will definitely take good care of
you, my friend.

GUARD #2
(nervously)
There won’t be any need for that sir.
I’m only doing my job. Just seeing you
acquitted will be enough reward for me.
I’ve always believed in your innocence.

GUARD #1
(disgusted)
What’s the problem, Harry. Afraid a to
take a little bribe?

JOHN KELLEY
(grave)
I’m not bribing him. Just thanking him.

GUARD #1
(staring him down)
Same thing, Kelley. He’s taken a sworn
oath to uphold the law. They’re always
taking oaths in your organizaion, aren’t
they? You remember anything about about
those oaths, Kelley?

JOHN KELLEY
How about you put a "Mr." in front of that?

GUARD #1
I reserve that for people I have respect for.
Not thieves. Or murderers for that matter.

JOHN KELLEY
I’d throttle you, but I don’t want to wrinkle
my clothes.

GUARD #1 takes KELLEY’S suit jacket and drops it on the floor.
GUARD #2 goes to pick it up, but GUARD #1 puts his foot on it.

GUARD #1
Leave it alone, Harry. Let Al Capone here
pick it up.

GUARD #2
(nervously)
Listen, Charlie...

GUARD #1
No, you’re going to listen. I’m tired of standing
around here and watching you kiss this scumbag’s ass.
You’re a God Damn disgrace. Go ahead, Jeeves.
Pick it up if you want.

GUARD #1 lifts his foot off the suit jacket as GUARD #2 bends
down, picks it up, and dusts it off. He holds the suit jacket so
that KELLEY can slip into it, which he does.

GUARD #2
There you go, Mr. Kelley. Just like new. You’ll
look great in that courtroom today. Knock 'em dead.

JOHN KELLEY
Thanks, Harry. You're a gentlemen and a scholar.
And I shall always remember your kindness.
(turning to Guard #1)
And yours too.

GUARD #1 takes a pair of handcuffs off of his belt.

GUARD #1
Let's go, Beau Brummel. Hands behind your back.

KELLEY puts his hands behind his back as GUARD #1 puts the
handcuffs on him a bit too tightly.

GUARD #2
I’m sorry Mr. Kelley. Regulations.
You understand.

JOHN KELLEY
That’s alright, Harry. I understand.
(to Guard #1)
If my circulation gets cut off and I get
gangrene, you’re going to be in a hell of
lot of trouble, "Chuckie."

GUARD #1
Just regulations, Kelley. Let's go.

KELLEY, GUARD #1 and GUARD #2 leave the cell and walk down
the corridor towards the exit.

JOHN KELLEY
Just think. It wasn’t so long ago that I
had twenty bodyguards. Now look at me.
I’m stuck with you two. No offense, Harry.

GUARD #2
None taken Mr. Kelley.

GUARD #1
I guess you just ain’t as privileged as you
used to be, Kelley. Now move it. The
vultures are waiting to pick at your carcass.

***END OF SAMPLE***

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Backpage Magazine

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DESCRIPTION:

This is a satire Al wrote of the famous actor’s weekly, "Backstage". It focuses on some of the strange auditions which one sometimes finds in it’s pages. Click HERE to read it.